Separation and Divorce – Rachael Alexander

As humans we are hardwired to fear the ‘unknown’ and for many, the divorce process is the ‘unknown’. Fearing the divorce process can make you: Not want to accept the relationship is over Find it difficult to assert yourself and stay passive Refuse to enter mediation as you are fearful of seeing your ex Hold up the legal process, wanting to make it difficult for the other party or because you are scared of your ex or family reactions Refuse to follow your legal representative’s advice as you are fearful of the reaction you may get from your ex Want to give in and not fight for what you feel you deserve Give in to your children if they are being pressured from your ex Start to get depressed, anxious, stressed and turn to unhelpful ‘coping’ mechanisms such as alcohol Think you are not strong enough to handle the process and deny it is happening. The list goes on... Sound bleak doesn’t it? However, the good news is you are hardwired with courage and courage trumps fear. Consider the following for divorce success. 1.Where possible, use a recommended legal representative. If a recommendation is not possible, make sure you feel reassured after your first meeting. If you have any doubts about their experience, talk to them about your thoughts. A good legal representative is empathetic to your needs, yet focused on getting you the best outcome. 2.In addition to legal representation, seek professional emotional support to aid the legal process. Your legal representative is not your counsellor or punch bag – they are there to get you the best outcome, for you and your children. 3.Have plenty of tissues and an informal network of support, such as friends. They will need to listen and listen and listen some more. In addition find ways to relax such as swimming, walking, meditation, or Reiki healing. 4.Ensure you act with integrity with your children. DO NOT put them in the middle of you and your ex. You will want to put your side of the ‘story’ to them but it is not for their ears. Use your support network for this. Reassure your children they are loved and safe. Never expect them to take sides. 5.Equally do not let your children or family influence your decisions. You may not use your children as manipulative weapons but your ex may. Unfortunately, he or she may use them to influence you regarding outcomes. Be firm and compassionate with them but do not enter debates with them. 6.Communicate in a way that works for you with your ex. Email is a good method as you are in charge of when you reply and there is always a record of what has been said. Your legal representative can advise you of the best way to communicate. You have a right to not be harassed with text messages from your ex. You do not have to reply unless it is an emergency to do with your children of course. 7.Become okay with not being liked, feeling out of control, and handling conflict. Remember, your ex, friends, family, children, step-children, parents, in-laws, and colleagues may not agree with some of your decisions. However, this is your divorce and your life. You do not have to justify yourself to anybody. 8.Do not settle for an easy life. I know many people who did not fight for what they wanted due to fear and regretted it years later when everything had settled down. They are now filled with anger and regret that they didn’t have the courage to chase the outcome they wanted And finally, believe you can and will survive this. Get in touch if you need support during the life changing experience called divorce.